i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
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I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
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Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.