It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
