I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
