My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
