She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
