oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
