sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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