so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
