I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
