Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
