Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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