I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
someone get that fucking seahorse.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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