WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
