I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
