I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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