I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
