we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
