I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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