took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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