I skipped work to stalk him.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
