Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm like, not good at living.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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