I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
