If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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