I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
