The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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