Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
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Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
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The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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