What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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