i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
