My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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