i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
