just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
