Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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