I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My penis needs a shock collar
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
