This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
