You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
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Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
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You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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