i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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