It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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