Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
