I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
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My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
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You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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