wakey wakey hands off snakey
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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