I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
This is classic penis vs brain.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
