I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
