i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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