i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
