I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
