It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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