Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
