Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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