Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
