fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
