tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
what day is it and did you see me today?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
