so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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