the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
