Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
