Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
