you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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