"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
