Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
How's work?
Spinning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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